Its not mine anymore

Well, I concede. I can no longer handle it. I realized tonight, while struggling with life, that I can not do it alone. I was afraid of riding tonight with the way my heart was feeling, so I went to the Boys Ranch here in Bedford.

I have not been able to function very well the last couple of weeks. I have been logging lots of hours for work since Labor Day. I have not been able to sleep well. I have not slept soundly though an entire night in approximately a month. It has seemed like no matter what the matter was, in the last two weeks, it has all gone wrong. I have fought the matter in my head to no avail. I have wondered what God was trying to say to me. I think that some of it hit me tonight.

I have been maintaining control. I have been so thankful for what I have. But I have been the one in control. That's not the plan. I don't have the answers. While skirting the duck pond enjoying the beautiful night, I said those fateful words. "I need help. Please take control because I can't do this."

North Winds

OK, so Monday's ride was one of the best road rides in a long, long time. I rolled out from the house and headed north towards the Keller/Southlake area using a normal route. This particular path allows for many options as my legs desire to go here and there once I get to Precint Line Road. This evening I was feeling rather good which was a change from the norm it seemed like.

You see, I've been having a rough go of it lately. It has seemed that life has been conspiring against good riding, along with conspiring against other things. I've been working way too much, getting very little sleep, having problems with certain people, and just generally not feeling good when I ride. That's not me. I don't like that.

When I left the house, I headed into the wind that was coming out of the north. I wasn't feeling that great, but it was ok and fought through it. I was riding alone because I wanted the solitude. As the cranks turned, I felt better and better. By the time I reached Precint Line, I was honestly feeling pretty good. I headed due North into the wind after skirting through neighborhoods. I was exposed, but knew I had to go. I decided to keep going. As I passed the various points in the route to turn around, I just kept going. I was headed out to the far end of town.

Rolling up Pearson Lane through Keller, Southlake and Westlake is not the easiest of tasks. It is a road that is fairly narrow, so traffic can sometimes be precarious. However, since its re-paving, its a smooth street that I use because of the rollers it contains. These rollers provide great interval work and also generally work your way to the top of the hills out in Southlake when it intersects Dove Road. I fought up the hills into the wind and felt strong.

When I hit the turn around junction at JT Ottinger, I knew that things would get even better. As I headed back south, I had the wind at my back. Rolling that 20 or so miles back home was nice. I climbed hills with a little more umph. I wasn't as annoyed by the cars zinging by too close. The temperatures were perfect and I finally felt good for an entire ride. What a feeling.

FLATS!

OK, so I've really avoided flats on my road bike over the last year. I've logged thousands of miles and really been flat free. I got used to this. Even cocky at times. The last three weeks they have all caught up with me.

The first, was scary. I had a Monday night FIRST date with a girl that I have waited three years to get a chance to go out with. We were going to see Talladega Nights at the Rave in Hurst. I had a window of time between work and picking her up where I could sneak in an hour or so on the road bike. I was cruising up Davis in North Richland Hills and I hear the dreaded psssst. The rear tire is flat. I pull over and promptly change the tube. I'm not thirty feet up the road and pssssst. So here I am seven miles from home and crunched for time. Fortunately, I have a friend who lives close and was able to help me out. I made it on time for the date and we've been out again.

Fast forward to last night, and I'm sneaking in an hour before I have to be at a meeting at 7:00. I'm on Davis again and psssst. Crap!! I change the flat and head towards the house. I get back across Precinct Line Road and am headed back through Colleyville. Psssst. OH NO! I call another friend who lives in this neighborhood. He is able to hook me up. I walk in just as the meeting as getting started.

Guess its time for a new rear tire.

Hopeful

You know, it struck me this weekend that I have a pretty grand existance. Yeah, it has its problems. Life will always have its problems. But reality is that my problems are not that bad. I have a great daughter. I have a great job, career and place to do these things. I have the benefits of some really great friends who I can call on at pretty much a moments notice. The church that I go to, while not perfect, is a great place for Jacqueline and I to go. The people there make a difference in my own life. And then there is hope. The hope that I am judging something correctly and that it will be as good as I think. Yes, I have to wait, discover and seek. But for the first time in my adult life, I feel like this path is actually worthwhile and has merit in the grand scheme of long term. This is a weird feeling for me. It makes me smile.